andromedamedrexia:

frank-e-fighting-words:

biyuti:

aragorn-sass replied to your post: hollowpikeman replied to your post: …

or they gaslight you trying to make it your fault because “you’re too sensitive” and “they’re just looking out for you [by gaslighting you and telling you to ‘toughen up’ so they don’t have to be accountable”

this one is totes my favourite.

i often feel like i need to be ‘tougher’ about all of this

but, i was once a sensitive girl

and i actually liked me back then. i had feelings and i liked it.

the bold

I was actually told this by a teacher in high school. This girl was tormenting me—gaslighting, in a way, because she was deliberately driving me to the brink passive agressively while acting as if she wasn’t doing anything wrong and we were just having a conversation. It finally got so bad that I ran out into the hallway crying. The teacher IN THE ROOM (this happened in the middle of class) didn’t come out or try to stop it or do anything. And when I finally asked him why he didn’t help me (after he had let the class out for lunch, all of whom just looked at me as they walked by), he told me that “I had to learn to deal with the hard things in life on my own” because “this stuff existed in every stage of life”.

Ironically, every other teacher that was in the hallway checked on me and comforted me. Plus, his words got to me so badly that I actually APOLOGIZED to the girl who was tormenting me for driving her to do that and being too sensitive.

…wow, my heart is aching a bit. I’m nearly twenty three—I’d have thought I’d have gotten over this by now.

Seriously, I’ve had this kind of stuff from a lot of people in my life. The whole, “I just worry you’re taking this too hard” kind of bullshit.

That was actually worse than the original problem, to be honest

ubiestcaelum asked: Hi, as the original poster of the list I wanted to take a moment and thank you for your comment. I never intended for it to be picked up and spread the way it has. It was originally at the request if a friend who was concerned and knew my history. She asked for a quick off the top of my head list of red flags I saw in retrospect. Comments like yours are so important because it's *not* a perfect list or even a great list. So yes thank you for adding and explaining and I wish you the best!

I know how it goes when a post takes off and gets like a bazillion reblogs. it wasn’t necessarily intended as a criticism of the original post so much as the attitude with which a lot of people do the reblogging.

Kind of like, “Well! Now I’ve done my part and no one has an excuse to let themselves get abused!” A list created in response to a situation or request suffers from lack of context, as do most posts on tumblr that travel farther than intended. I guess sometimes it frustrates me because abuse is so very, very common, and yet the social narrative that surrounds it is always Things That Happen To Other People.

[abuse, domestic violence] Regarding Abuse Victims and Seeking Help

I have a few notes to make on this post before I head out:

Nothing brings out cruelty in otherwise kind people quicker than the scent of helplessness in an abuse victim.

Because “kind” people want to help.

And if you show weakness, if you’re not “strong”, if you aren’t a perfect victim who’s ready to lose everything and is capable of “independence”, then maybe this helpful, kind person can’t “fix” it/you.

And that makes THEM feel helpless. Weak. Like you.

And we all know what happens to people Like That.

We live in an abuse culture, and a victim-blaming culture.

Note: I was never as much of a raging misogynist as I was while I was in an abusive relationship. I wasn’t like Those Women. I had strength, agency, choices, right? I caused everything that had ever happened to me, because if not…if not…well. Everyone knows what Those People are like. right? They just keep coming back for more. We all know their fate.

An unsilent victim is a contagious disease, a harbinger of an unjust world, a Pandora’s Box of ugly truths like: bad things happen to people who don’t deserve it.

We must stamp them out, silence them, strangle the words in their throats before we have to see the parallels in our own lives, our own loved ones, to recognize the facilitation of our own abuse in the things and people that bring us joy.

And that is the trap we live in.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship [online or in the real world]

lolamysteriouso:

girljanitor:

actualcanadiansherlockholmes:

prndlr:

lucleon:

armatus-sit:

• They push for quick involvement.  
• There is jealousy. 
• They are controlling. 
• They have very unrealistic expectations. 
• There is isolation. 
• They blame others for their mistakes. 
• They make everyone else responsible for their feelings. 
• There is verbal abuse.
• They have sudden mood swings. 
• They have abused others in the past.
• There are threats of violence or self harm.

THIS NEED MORE NOTES

literally every one of these things occurred in my last relationship

If there’s one piece of advice I could give the whole world… Know these signs. Know them backwards and forwards and upside-down and inside out. Read up on this stuff and be able to rattle it off in your sleep.

Because when you’re there, or when your best friend is there, you won’t see it at first. You just won’t. Those signs, those horrible things… They don’t apply to THIS PERSON! This special, loving, kind-hearted, caring person. This person who’s changed your life; this person who’s so GOOD to them! 

It’s so hard to see abuse, even when you DO know the signs. So let every one of these be ingrained in your mind - because it takes so many flags before you start to see it this way. 

You know, posts like this one always bother me because they’re just another set of “prevent yourself from become a victim, stupid!” bullet points.

I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years; knowing these things probably wouldn’t have helped considering I was underage with an adult boyfriend, and everyone I knew told me how “lucky” I was to have someone willing to put up with my crazy ass, and who was such a “good influence” on my behavior. By the time it was painfully obvious that the “good influence” was actually controlling behavior and manipulation, I was a disabled young adult who’d been trained to be completely dependent and believed with every fiber of my being that I was in “the best possible situation, considering the circumstances”.

But thing thing that REALLY bothers me about posts like these is the notion that if people just **KNEW** what the signs of an abusive partner were, they’d somehow magically BE FREED from the situation.

I **KNEW** I was in an abusive situation. That didn’t make me any less disabled and unprepared for being abandoned by my family, it didn’t make me less friendless, it didn’t give me any resources or money or means to get away, or change the fact that when I *tried* to get someone to notice or help, I got KICKED OUT OF MY RESIDENCE. It didn’t make anyone more willing to SEE the abuse, it didn’t change any of the circumstances of my life, which I had to continue living as best I could.

When knowing doesn’t change anything, you might as well lie to yourself if it helps to keep you alive.

The ugly truth is, most of the people reblogging this would shit on me in an instant for half the shit I had to do to survive. It’s nice and ~honorable~ to say “I **KNEW** it was an abusive situation, so I got out!!!” But to “stay” for 11 years? You’re scum, stupid, you must like it, you’re the sort that “keeps going back”, you’re basically worse than the abusive person, because “what kind of person puts up with being treated that way?”

But I guess in a lot of ways this post isn’t *FOR* me, it’s for the precious Real People who don’t ~deserve~ abuse. It’s those Other People, people like me who suffer for years because they have no power, no recourse, no choices, no support, no advocacy, and no way out, we’re the ones who “must like it”, who “keep going back”, who probably “asked for it and got what they deserve”.

I agree that many of these types of posts put too much of the burden on victims.

But there is something to be said for making people aware of what constitutes abuse. I was in an abusive situation for many years with a family member, but I literally had no idea that what was happening was anything other than normal. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that I was being abused that it ever entered my mind that something was amiss. And because it never occurred to me that something was wrong, it never occurred to me that something could be different. It didn’t change right away, it wasn’t like I suddenly became master of my fate or whatever. But the knowledge that my situation was not what it was supposed to be made a difference because it made me feel justified that I had a right to feel unhappy. It wasn’t just that I was any awful person who wasn’t appreciative of my abuser. The things they said about me werent true. ect

But I think these lists may be more helpful for children in abusive situations or adults who grew up in abusive situations that grown ups in romantic/partnered abusive relationships.

I was 14 years old when the abusive relationship began.

The problem is, I was familiar with the above bullet points, more or less. Being aware and making the connections in your own life, especially at such a young age, are universes apart. ESPECIALLY when you have a developmental disability, like I do.

I’m trying to address the reductive nature of a bullet pointed list, and how it actually inhibits making connections like that. It also adds a connotation of “If you’re smart you wouldn’t BE in this situation”, which further inhibits making connections. Because you’re smart, right? You know what’s best for you. You’re not one of THOSE people, one of those women, one of the ones who gets abused, because if something bad happens to you, you *must* have somehow caused it, right?

Because if you didn’t deserve it, then it could happen again.

If you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it.

And if you can’t control anything that happens to you, you’re truly, deeply, terrifyingly HELPLESS.

And sometimes feeling that way is worse than blaming yourself.

(Source: ubiestcaelum)

Signs of an Abusive Relationship [online or in the real world]

actualcanadiansherlockholmes:

prndlr:

lucleon:

armatus-sit:

• They push for quick involvement.  
• There is jealousy. 
• They are controlling. 
• They have very unrealistic expectations. 
• There is isolation. 
• They blame others for their mistakes. 
• They make everyone else responsible for their feelings. 
• There is verbal abuse.
• They have sudden mood swings. 
• They have abused others in the past.
• There are threats of violence or self harm.

THIS NEED MORE NOTES

literally every one of these things occurred in my last relationship

If there’s one piece of advice I could give the whole world… Know these signs. Know them backwards and forwards and upside-down and inside out. Read up on this stuff and be able to rattle it off in your sleep.

Because when you’re there, or when your best friend is there, you won’t see it at first. You just won’t. Those signs, those horrible things… They don’t apply to THIS PERSON! This special, loving, kind-hearted, caring person. This person who’s changed your life; this person who’s so GOOD to them! 

It’s so hard to see abuse, even when you DO know the signs. So let every one of these be ingrained in your mind - because it takes so many flags before you start to see it this way. 

You know, posts like this one always bother me because they’re just another set of “prevent yourself from become a victim, stupid!” bullet points.

I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years; knowing these things probably wouldn’t have helped considering I was underage with an adult boyfriend, and everyone I knew told me how “lucky” I was to have someone willing to put up with my crazy ass, and who was such a “good influence” on my behavior. By the time it was painfully obvious that the “good influence” was actually controlling behavior and manipulation, I was a disabled young adult who’d been trained to be completely dependent and believed with every fiber of my being that I was in “the best possible situation, considering the circumstances”.

But thing thing that REALLY bothers me about posts like these is the notion that if people just **KNEW** what the signs of an abusive partner were, they’d somehow magically BE FREED from the situation.

I **KNEW** I was in an abusive situation. That didn’t make me any less disabled and unprepared for being abandoned by my family, it didn’t make me less friendless, it didn’t give me any resources or money or means to get away, or change the fact that when I *tried* to get someone to notice or help, I got KICKED OUT OF MY RESIDENCE. It didn’t make anyone more willing to SEE the abuse, it didn’t change any of the circumstances of my life, which I had to continue living as best I could.

When knowing doesn’t change anything, you might as well lie to yourself if it helps to keep you alive.

The ugly truth is, most of the people reblogging this would shit on me in an instant for half the shit I had to do to survive. It’s nice and ~honorable~ to say “I **KNEW** it was an abusive situation, so I got out!!!” But to “stay” for 11 years? You’re scum, stupid, you must like it, you’re the sort that “keeps going back”, you’re basically worse than the abusive person, because “what kind of person puts up with being treated that way?”

But I guess in a lot of ways this post isn’t *FOR* me, it’s for the precious Real People who don’t ~deserve~ abuse. It’s those Other People, people like me who suffer for years because they have no power, no recourse, no choices, no support, no advocacy, and no way out, we’re the ones who “must like it”, who “keep going back”, who probably “asked for it and got what they deserve”.

(Source: ubiestcaelum, via shwetanarayan)

And actually I agree with them that finding something personally squicky isn’t a good reason to say other people shouldn’t do it

josiahd:

girljanitor:

josiahd:

girljanitor:

autisticweirdo:

josiahd:

But there are reasons that people object to things some people do other than finding them personally viscerally unappealing, and some of them are legitimate.

Racism and sexism in kinky space are real things, and calling them personal sexual preferences that are ok but not for everyone doesn’t make the problem go away. Like, I don’t want to be in an environment that treats black men as fetish objects, and I don’t want to be in an environment that treats femininity as degrading. And neither of these are just personal preferences; I actually think that environments ought not to be like that, and the fact that they pervasively are is a problem.

My objection isn’t that people are doing something I find personally squicky. My objection is that racism and sexism are bad, and calling them kinks doesn’t change that and make it fundamentally different, any more than saying that something is ironic makes it ok.

And this gets treated like it’s all a matter of individual preference and that there are no cultural issues that it’s possible to criticize, and that’s really, really messed up.

This is exactly why I’m not huge on the kink community. Things like racial fetishizing and fat fetishizing are huge issues and saying they’re personal preferences is completely off-base. These things happen in interpersonal actions and at large, like in the porn industry (even movies paint preferences like this - if the character is white and male, if he doesn’t like white cis thin women, he’s probably got some sort of “fetish” according to the film) and these attitudes get treated as “normal”. It’s fucked up.

There are a lot of seriously fucked up things that really need to be addressed; not the least of which is that there are fucking websites like Bitch Magazine that pay white women to write articles about whether or not black women “should or shouldn’t” engage in race play

and when I was like, “Ummm excuse you why the fuck is a white woman writing this article”

and their response was literally “because we commissioned her to”

I was like

yeah go directly into the garbage subscription cancelled

Yeah, it’s a disgustingly white-centered space.

I think white people writing articles like this are really just trying to use people of color as rhetorical tools to avoid actually having to face the racism in kinky space. And that’s really, really not ok on any level.

I’ve seen an awful lot of white people say things along the lines of “but some people of color like doing this, so if you say it’s a problem that it’s pervasive in kink culture, you’re just being a racist and denying non-white people agency.”

And often this is directly in response to someone asking “So, I’m considering doing [insert racist thing], and I’m not sure it’s ok.” (I’ve seen this play out multiple times in Savage Love, for instance. And while he often brings in guest experts on a number of topics, I don’t think he’s *ever* asked a kinky person of color to weigh in on race issues in kink.)

And that’s fucked up on about a million levels. 

Dan Savage is basically the worst person ever, so I’m not particularly surprised by that. But, yeah. I’ve been in the peripheries of plenty of kink communities over the years (especially living in CA and FL) and usually they’re the most horrible mess of every ism that exists, and a ton of abusers cruising for victims. Generally I’ve always just rejected kink communities as a rule. Like, the SIMPLEST shit like “just because we are at the same party doesn’t mean you can touch me for fucks sakes” seems to be beyond 90% of these people…also “but I’m a GIRLLLL” also doesn’t mean you can just *grab* people.

Also too many people who don’t understand the difference between gender, sexuality, and what kind of sex you do/are up for/et cetera.

Honestly? I’ve had people who should KNOW better make propositions to me that just about made me throw up.

Yeah, to say nothing about the creepy submissive guys who think it’s ok to treat all women as though they are already their sex partners. And who think that no means “please ask me again every time you’re horny until I realize your proposition is the best idea ever”.

And there’s a lot of lip service to how it’s not ok to do things like that, but how many spaces are there in which guys who behave that way are banned from the space?

Generally speaking, any space that regards itself as safe from abusers because it’s just so evolved is one I regard us unsafe. That’s a reason I normally stay out of Safe Spaces of any sort, even for groups I’m part of. Because they’re not safe, and if someone hurts you in that kind of space, it tends to turn into huge numbers of people in the space gaslighting you because they don’t want to know that abuse happens.

the bolded.

i just limit any and all of my sexual activities to people i already know and have for some time.

And actually I agree with them that finding something personally squicky isn’t a good reason to say other people shouldn’t do it

josiahd:

girljanitor:

autisticweirdo:

josiahd:

But there are reasons that people object to things some people do other than finding them personally viscerally unappealing, and some of them are legitimate.

Racism and sexism in kinky space are real things, and calling them personal sexual preferences that are ok but not for everyone doesn’t make the problem go away. Like, I don’t want to be in an environment that treats black men as fetish objects, and I don’t want to be in an environment that treats femininity as degrading. And neither of these are just personal preferences; I actually think that environments ought not to be like that, and the fact that they pervasively are is a problem.

My objection isn’t that people are doing something I find personally squicky. My objection is that racism and sexism are bad, and calling them kinks doesn’t change that and make it fundamentally different, any more than saying that something is ironic makes it ok.

And this gets treated like it’s all a matter of individual preference and that there are no cultural issues that it’s possible to criticize, and that’s really, really messed up.

This is exactly why I’m not huge on the kink community. Things like racial fetishizing and fat fetishizing are huge issues and saying they’re personal preferences is completely off-base. These things happen in interpersonal actions and at large, like in the porn industry (even movies paint preferences like this - if the character is white and male, if he doesn’t like white cis thin women, he’s probably got some sort of “fetish” according to the film) and these attitudes get treated as “normal”. It’s fucked up.

There are a lot of seriously fucked up things that really need to be addressed; not the least of which is that there are fucking websites like Bitch Magazine that pay white women to write articles about whether or not black women “should or shouldn’t” engage in race play

and when I was like, “Ummm excuse you why the fuck is a white woman writing this article”

and their response was literally “because we commissioned her to”

I was like

yeah go directly into the garbage subscription cancelled

Yeah, it’s a disgustingly white-centered space.

I think white people writing articles like this are really just trying to use people of color as rhetorical tools to avoid actually having to face the racism in kinky space. And that’s really, really not ok on any level.

I’ve seen an awful lot of white people say things along the lines of “but some people of color like doing this, so if you say it’s a problem that it’s pervasive in kink culture, you’re just being a racist and denying non-white people agency.”

And often this is directly in response to someone asking “So, I’m considering doing [insert racist thing], and I’m not sure it’s ok.” (I’ve seen this play out multiple times in Savage Love, for instance. And while he often brings in guest experts on a number of topics, I don’t think he’s *ever* asked a kinky person of color to weigh in on race issues in kink.)

And that’s fucked up on about a million levels. 

Dan Savage is basically the worst person ever, so I’m not particularly surprised by that. But, yeah. I’ve been in the peripheries of plenty of kink communities over the years (especially living in CA and FL) and usually they’re the most horrible mess of every ism that exists, and a ton of abusers cruising for victims. Generally I’ve always just rejected kink communities as a rule. Like, the SIMPLEST shit like “just because we are at the same party doesn’t mean you can touch me for fucks sakes” seems to be beyond 90% of these people…also “but I’m a GIRLLLL” also doesn’t mean you can just *grab* people.

Also too many people who don’t understand the difference between gender, sexuality, and what kind of sex you do/are up for/et cetera.

Honestly? I’ve had people who should KNOW better make propositions to me that just about made me throw up.

What I actually hear when people tell me to see another psychiatrist

duelswords:

“I know you’ve been abused by psychiatrists before but you need to know that not ALL of them are like that. You need to put yourself in more abusive situations to get the mental health that you REALLY need. How are you going to get treatment if you’re not willing to get abused more? I know 6 out of the 7 mental health practitioners you saw were so awful that they made you worser than when you were receiving no help but you have to KEEP getting abused until you find one that won’t abuse you. After all, the most important thing that actually matters right now is to get you “help” whether you want it or not. So who cares if you get abused again? It’s just abuse. You can go through it again to get the medication you need. You being able to function and act “normal” in front of me is more important to me than your mental health.”

whoops my childhood