when someone chooses not to associate with someone because they see traits or characteristics they’ve seen in other toxic people, they’re protecting themselves; that’s how they survive.


This. When ppl are like “but you don’t know them well give them a chance” NOPE

If I see their patterns of behavior and recognize bullshit I’m gone. I don’t need to stick around to see how they individually interpret the role of abusive asshole thnx

(via yourpanicpixienightmare)



And I’m sure I’m guilty of, at minimum, passing on things communicated in this formula. Because one of its serious advantages, for those using it, is that it’s the sort of thing that sticks in people’s minds and that they want to pass on But I’ve finally recognized that I see a…

I’m not actually sure we disagree, because I agree with everything you just said.

I agree that oppressive dynamics are present in pretty much all situations.

I agree that naming something doesn’t create it.

I agree that there’s no such thing as the kind of neutral situation you think I’m trying to describe.

And I agree that being part of an oppressed group doesn’t generally, in most situations, give you an advantage in any way.

In fact I think I was pretty clear about most of those things in my post.

What I’m saying, is that within communities where people do care a lot about ending oppression, I’ve seen this turned into a manipulative weapon rather than a means of describing an actual situation.  And even when it does describe an actual situation, it can sometimes be so potent that it takes on a life of its own and takes over how everyone views things for a long time afterwards.

And I’m also saying that I’ve taken part in this at all possible levels, and I’m just starting to recognize why it’s a good idea to think before you frame a situation in this manner, or pass on information that’s been framed in such a manner.  Because I’ve seen it spiral out of control in really destructive ways that don’t help end oppression in any way and may actually hinder such efforts.

So I’m not quite sure where we disagree.  At least, I agree with pretty much everything you said there.  Maybe we disagree on where to draw the line, or whether it can ever be destructive to frame situations in this way, but I don’t disagree at all with most of what you’ve said there.

Like… there’s a thing where people who are socialized as male interrupt and talk over people more often than people who are socialized as female, and especially talk over anyone who is presumed female.  And there’s a thing where people without communication disabilities interrupt and talk over people with communication disabilities.

And there’s also a thing where autistic people interrupt people because we’re not good at figuring out conversational timing.

So an autistic man interrupts me, and I immediately say not “You just interrupted me,” but “You just interrupted an autistic person with a significant communication impairment.”  

No matter what he says from then on, people who are aware of oppression are going to see it partial the way I framed it.  And anything he says to defend himself will look like an excuse.  And he may eventually, in extreme instances, get a reputation as that guy who interrupts people with communication impairments, even if he interrupted me once and everyone just remembers vaguely what I said about him doing it.

And like… that doesn’t seem entirely fair to me.  Maybe it does seem fair to you, and maybe that’s where we disagree.

I also think there are times when it’s absolutely fair, and just, and right, to use this formula.  I just think you really have to think about it first, you can’t just spit it out every time something happens that’s unpleasant.  Maybe we disagree there, too.

But I suspect where we disagree, if anywhere, is a matter of degree, a matter of where to draw a line, possibly a matter of whether to draw a line.  Because you’ve said nothing that I fundamentally disagree with overall, in fact I strongly agree with the vast majority of what you’ve said.

(But that happens to me a lot, and I’m never sure what to make of it.  I say something, someone says “I disagree with that,” then they proceed to say a long string of things I completely agree with.)

I don’t think that naming oppression creates the oppression, by the way.  And I don’t think naming oppression is wrong when it’s happening, although I do think you have to always think about it even in situations where you’re pretty sure it’s happening.  I just think it’s important to think, rather than reflexively throw your oppressed identity into a discussion.

And if you’re not just doing it reflexively, if you are thinking about it first, and if you are not doing it in a manipulative way, then I’m probably not talking about you.  I just know it can be done reflexively (I know because I’ve done it), it can be done in place of thinking about the situation, and it can have consequences that aren’t expected and go beyond what’s reasonable.  And I feel bad about having passed on information I learned in that way, without getting to know the situation first.

I think I kind of see what you mean, actually. I run into a lot of problems because people use words to mean different things a lot of the time. Too many words have been turned into dog whistles, and then other people just sort of blunder in and make a mess, and then other people start yelling, and then no one is communicating at all, much less effectively.

Maybe my perspective on the matter is greatly affected by the constant, massive double standard I see every day on who gets the benefit of the doubt always, and who gets the benefit of the doubt never. Stereotypes about certain ‘kinds’ of people being too angry, over-emotional, illogical, et cet. Race, gender, ability status, are all part of that.

I think what’s “fair” for one person isn’t the same “fair” for another person. It reminds me of a situation that came up when I was running a gaming/social support group for autistics and people with social anxiety, and someone had a negative behavior that needed to be addressed. And I was like, “this person needs this explained to them in blunt language.” And someone else was like, “why do you always make exceptions for this person/isn’t it insulting or condescending to treat them differently?”

And I was like, “Uh, no. I treat everyone the same-as individuals with different needs. So by treating everyone differently based on who they are, I’m being fair.”

I mean, i think we can agree that thinking before you start talking is like, #1 important communication priority, or it should be.

Adding your identity onto/presenting it in an interaction as a factor, because context, I think is important. Yes, you’re absolutely changing the way other people see that interaction by doing that.

What I get from what you’re saying is that it’s unfair to color other’s perception of a situation before they have a chance to understand it fully. My disagreement would be that power dynamics are an essential part of understanding a situation fully. If other people choose to have knee-jerk reactions to identity without thinking on it further than that, then that’s their prerogative. I do not think that it is manipulative or that it obscures the situation. Sometimes, it’s honestly the ONLY relevant part of the conversation.

Because there’s this double standard that exists, that only SOME people are allowed to be wrong, to be given second chances. Only SOME people are allowed to be human, and make human mistakes. The fact that there are people out there who, no matter what they actually DO, are demonized, harassed, and targeted for abuse, and they defend themselves with whatever they might have at their disposal…there needs to be room for that.

I know this because of people I have loved more than my own heart who have lashed out at me, have done things they should not have done, things that were unfair and morally wrong, because they were so unbelievably broken from things they have been through, because of who they are.

Making room for that and learning to move toward forgiveness, making up for things, and growing as people, is something i think there is room for. Expecting to enforce your own ideas about fairness in an unjust world can be turned into a form of violence. Expecting perfect behavior from people who’ve lived through unspeakable abuse is, in my opinion, violent. Expecting the same standard of behavior from someone who’s ignorant and doesn’t really give a crap, as someone who’s barely keeping their head above water every day, expecting them to adhere to the same rules of ‘acceptable behavior’, that’s not okay.

Because double standards exist going one way in dominant culture because of oppression, having a double standard the other way as an anti-oppression practice creates a better balance than a blanket set of ‘rules’ that are supposed to apply to ‘everyone, equally’.

I know you’ve had experiences with people who use the whole, “I’m suffering the most, so everything needs to be for and about me!!!!” as a tactic for all kinds of abuse. So do I. Really immediate and personally uncomfortable experiences.

Maybe the disagreement does just come down to where we draw the line, because we’ve both had similar experiences, and very different experiences in life. I mean, we as two individuals. But I think we can both agree that those who under constant threat of violence are the most entitled to use whatever weapons they have at their disposal, in the tiniest microcosm of this little corner of the internet, in which you might call your clan out to come to your aid, and listen to you speak.

And yeah, in a world where “crazy” is a synonym for “no one has to listen or hear”, that CAN be powerful. And I’d rather see people who are systematically disenfranchised find some scrap of any kind of power they can find, even if it means some people are just out there using that shit to play manipulative games. But sometimes it’s about saving a person’s personhood, saving a life, saving someone’s…sense of self.

TL;DR it’s perfectly possible to judge every situation individually in its own context because people are individuals and there’s plenty of room for all of us in the universe.

[tw: abuse, ableism] Teratophilia: The Alchemist’s Daughter

I’ve written about ableism on this blog a lot over the years I’ve had it now, but one thing that never changes is how my everyday interactions are affected by the fact that others can’t accept my disability and my personhood at the same time.

Like, the fact that well into my twenties I had the same amount of autonomy a child does. Less than some children. That it wasn’t up to me what I ate, what I put in my body, whether or not I was allowed to have a bank account, or was allowed to leave the house. I’ve been drugged without my permission or consent; I’ve had people switch my medications out for illegal drugs because they thought it was funny, they wanted to see what would happen, and they thought it would “teach me a lesson”. It’s okay to do that to retards, you know. And guess what? No one cares. That happened, and worse things. No one ever “did anything” about it. There is no magical system in place that prevents that from happening, there’s no justice for that. We cannot be trusted and what we say doesn’t matter.

Getting complimented for modes of behavior I’ve learned to survive, to behave like a person to whom it is NOT okay to do that to, is grotesque to me. I’ve learned to hide the parts of my brain that don’t work, or just don’t exist. I’ve gotten into the specifics of my disability here before, but there are aspects I will never be discussing with anyone. Even my closest loved ones. I can be happy, and I am, but I can never be safe. Luckily, most people can’t even imagine not being able to do certain things. People see what they expect to see, in the context you present it to them.

It’s so much easier for them to pretend I’m a big fake, that I’m making it up, than to confront the reality that these things happened to me. It’s much easier and more comfortable to live in a world where bad things only happen to people who deserve it. Who would want to live in a world where someone with a college degree, who has a respectable job helping disabled people, who lives in a house with a partner and some cats, can be the same person who ten years earlier, could be beaten publicly in a car for ordering the “wrong” food? Who could be kicked out of that car and told to walk home?

One of those people is a monster, because only monsters deserve to be treated that way. One of them is a respected and loveable human being. One of them is real, and the other is not. Can’t be.

I almost broke myself earning these prizes: degree, bank account, college job, academic awards and recognition….so that I would be the kind of person who mattered, so it would matter that those things happened to me.

I didn’t realize that the only way for this Person to live, the one with degree-job-house-autonomy-respect, was that the other, that Other had to die. Has to hide, to be shoved down and made imaginary. The bawling, suffering, terrifying, terrified, abused monster has to die so this Person can live.

Are you ashamed of that poor, battered Thing? Will you slit its throat on the altar of respectability? Or did your innate knack for alchemy create a suit of armor to house its soiled flesh, its bruised pomegranate heart, and will you keep it safe?

Will you press your twisted face to the cold steel at night and whisper

I love you

I love you.

[tw link for abuse]


hey everyone. an australian aboriginal woman has been sentenced to life in prison because of her disability, even though she hasn’t been convicted of any crime. she has been in there for 18 months already, and although the government has the facilities to care for people with disabilities, they are ignoring requests to have her transferred to a dedicated care facility rather than a prison. here is the petition to free her - it still needs ~14,000 signatures. please sign.

(via autisticallythor)




IN THIS INTERVIEW the young actresses in Blue is The Warmest Color, an acclaimed faux-documentary style movie made in France about two lesbians, talk about being coerced to engage in sexual activity they were not comfortable with, being coerced to literally smack each other over and over in dramatic scenes, to lick snot off of each other, work far longer than they agreed to, work grueling hours, and were “trapped” in the project by a violent and fetishizing piece of shit male director who they say they’ll never work with again.

I’m sure this is just the tip of the ice berg.

Please do not support this film.

trigger warning for coercion and the interviewer’s apologism and fuckery

I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this - it is so brave and strong of these two actresses to come out about their story. It is so sad to know so late that a movie I enjoyed so much was created by abuse. It sounds like this movie was strong for its incredible acting and strong original writing. I know I will never be giving my money or time to the director again.

More reasons not to trust men with women’s stories, especially lesbian stories, and certainly not with anything to do with women’s sexuality. Even artistic directors shoot it like its porn. This is abusive and exploitative.

(via commanderbishoujo)


People with disabilities have more than a difficult history when it comes to matters of the heart, when it comes to love and relationships. It might not be seemly to write of the violence perpetrated on the bodies of people with disabilities … the castrations, the forced sterilisations on a day celebrated with lace and chocolate. But you can’t understand the one without recognizing the other.

Years ago, after hearing the story of a man with a disability, beaten because he was caught making love with his boyfriend, forcibly separated from the man that he loved, and who endured years of taunting and bullying by those paid to care for him, I decided to do something. Along with the direct support staff who worked most closely with him. We worked at finding the other man, his long lost love, and we brought them back together. Too much had happened, too much pain, they met, they embraced, they cried for a very long time in each other’s arms and then the said ‘goodbye.’ Neither could conceive of a relationship, with anyone, ever. But they wanted the goodbye. He said to me, after it was over, “Love is wrong, people hurt you for it.”

Years ago, after hearing the story of a man who was punished, sent to his room without dinner, for being caught with his girlfriend, in a downstairs room. He came out of that room to find that she was gone from his life. He never saw her again. I offered to help him try and find her. He just shook his head and said no. He said it was too late. He said he was too afraid. He said that he was worried that she hated him for getting her in trouble. “She lost her home because of me. She lost her friends.” I offered a few times but then stopped offering when he asked me to stop offering.

These stories are not uncommon. These stories are still happening. While it is better, while people with disabilities are beginning to have the right to relationship, the right for sexual expression, the right to use the heart for other than the pumping of blood, it is better for a tiny minority of people.

There are still those who stand guard over the lives, the bodies and the hearts of people with intellectual disabilities. There are those who write policies that police rather than free. There are still staff who believe that their opinions should become people with disabilities facts.


Revolutionary Love (via into-the-weeds)

(via autie-baeddel-cat)

Anonymous asked: What are the signs of emotional abuse?


Abusive Expectations - Makes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Aggressing - Name calling, accusing, blames, threatens or gives orders, and often disguised as a judgmental “I know best” or “helping” attitude.

Constant Chaos - Deliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting - Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying - Denies personal needs (especially when need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Degrading - Any behavior that diminishes the identity, worth or dignity of the person such as: name-calling, mocking, teasing, insulting, ridiculing,

Emotional Blackmail - Uses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Terrorizing - Inducing intense fear or terror in a person, by threats or coercion.

Invalidation - Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

Isolating - Reducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Corrupting - Convincing a person to accept and engage in illegal activities.

Exploiting - Using a person for advantage or profit.

Minimizing - A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable Responses - Gets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

Gaslighting -A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.

Love, Salem




Abusers in shining armor


An important lesson I have learnt in 2013 is that abusers are often your knights in shiny amor.

I’m not joking. The person who jumps to your rescue without asking for anything in return (at first glance), making it out to be only their golden heart that makes them do it,…

adepressionresource said:

I have had two friends like this. I think all of this is very good advice, but it also may be helpful that, in my experience, they tend to offer ridiculous amounts of help very early on in the relationship, before you have had a chance to become very good friends or get to know someone very well.

For example, I have had two emotionally abusive roommates who did this. One would do my laundry and stuff for me because I have sensitive skin that is irritated by even hypoallergenic detergent, which became us only doing our laundry together, which became us doing everything together and her getting upset if I did anything without her. Another offered me and others to help ourselves to her weed whenever she wanted, but when her lack of boundaries showed, she would cry, “But I gave you free weed!” which of course we couldn’t deny, so we gave up arguing, thereby enabling her to continue behavior that made us upset and uncomfortable.

This is different than with my best friend/roommate of two years, who comes over and cooks for me any time I ask her to. This is because 1, she knows that I struggle to feed myself sometimes after having lived with me and 2, she loves to cook for other people. We are far enough along in our relationship that I know she wouldn’t try to use this to guilt me, and also I know that she would feel comfortable saying no if she was busy, didn’t feel like it, or felt that I was asking too much of her.

Moral: I am not saying that you should be distrustful of people, but it may be good to be wary of those who give way more than the situation warrants very early on in a relationship.

Jesus, this hit close to home


Additionally: beware people who become upset or angry when you refuse these “favors”.

(Source: bigot-vernichter, via talesofthestarshipregeneration)

Anonymous asked: you know you're an abuse survivor when you feel monstrous/damaging/dangerous just by existing because of how you've been programmed, and you'd throw your own feelings, desires, and sense of safety under the bus in a heartbeat before even running the risk of hurting anyone.

(continuation of the ‘monstrous’ ask) and you are truly worried that you REALLY MIGHT BE monstrous/damaging/dangerous by nature whenever you do hurt someone, no matter how much you tried to keep it from happening.







Good Secret Bad Secret - Girls Handclapping Song! (by createfuturegood)

Protect girls against abuse

Get it girls! Let em know.

Go on girls. If this ain’t revolutionary then idk what is!

saving this because i will teach my future student s well

protect all kids against abuse.

this may be the most amazing thing i have ever watched in my life

(via dynastylnoire)